1. Never allow yourself to become responsible for Russ.
2. Ignore obnoxious roommates who think you are going to kill them.
3. If you can't take a shower because there is a microwave in the
bathtub, you have a problem.
4. Try to avoid getting permanently banned from Disneyland.
5. Don't run into ex's at con - yours or someone else's.
6. Large green demons who want to possess you are seldom the harbingers
of joy.
7. Know who Towel Man is, and be able to recognize him in clothes.
8. Always hope your mother forgets to specify WHICH Hill you're not
supposed to leave.
9. Know who Bob is, and where he lives.
10. Figure out whether the Blond One is married (or gay!)
11. Locking Brian's keys in his car while bowling is a good reason to be
home 3 hours late.
12. Pinching a guy's butt is a lot like eating a taco...There's no
ladylike way to do it.
13. It's best to have small achievable goals in life. My life's goal is
to live forever. Every morning I wake up and congratulate myself on
a job well done. If I fail. . . I won't really care at that point.
14. When in doubt, buy the wine with the cutest label.
15. When somebody does something stupid...give them a badge in a language
they don't understand.
16. The random person waving to you from the car next to you is PROBABLY
trying to tell you something other than "Hi!"
17. Always have Michelle introduce herself to your friends by insulting
them in Elizabethan English.
18. When a diabetic asks you to buy him 20 cookies from Mrs. Fields, he's
likely talking about those little nibbler thingies, not the really big ones.
19. Co-habitation during cons is acceptable, but the girl always gets her
own bed (especially if Russ is there!).
20. Avoid clinically-depressed free-floating thought projections at all costs!
21. The Getty is _NOT_ on fire and they don't sell cookies. (Well they *do*
sell cookies actually, but only at the little cafe' thingy they got there.)
23. Never leave the devil's advocate alone with the blue decanter.
24. If somebody offers you a badge in a language you don't understand...
_DON'T_ put it on your forehead.
25. If you've got a "C", make sure everyone in the restaurant knows it!
26. If you're being chased by a guy with an attack goose, get your
executioner friend to protect you.(Or visa versa)
27. Bree will always run into somebody she knows. But it's okay if they
buy you lunch.
28. If the fro-gert is cursed, that's bad.
29. It's just easier to E-mail it. What ever it is.
30. _NEVER_, under any circumstances, eat Daddy's soul donut.
31. But if it comes with a free topping, that's good!
32. The word "Thingy" and it's plural "Thingies" are not included in the
MS Word spell checker dictionaries. Add them in now to avoid
frustration.
33. If the sky starts turning blue. . . you've probably missed your curfew.
34. All vampires carry cel phones.
35. When you make a list on a napkin, it is a good idea to keep another
napkin handy in case you get a runny nose.
36. Anything that can be done without leaving your car is convenient.
37. When one ex-boyfriend meets another, that's bad!
38. Always have your best friend keep track of your ex's.
39. The "Children of the Eighties" forward sounds awesome when read out
loud.
40. You will only ever get forwards from Laura Ludvigson.
41. No matter what anybody says, two cigarettes and a coke is _NOT_ the
breakfast of champions.
42. If there is a naked guy sleepwalking in your hall, call Campus Police.
They will wrap a lampshade around his waist and return him to your
roommate's bedroom, where he apparently belongs.
43. >'s are bad.
44. You can do an amazing amount of molecular modeling with random toys.
45. Internet access in your own room makes for happy roommates.
46. M-U-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A
47. _MY_ toes-es!
48. See #3 and substitute "Microwave" with "cooler", the same applies.
49. Positive female role models never have good action figures.
50. Gypsies don't have beast traits. . .
51. If you're gonna crawl through somebody's legs, make sure you'll fit.
52. If somebody says to you, "I'm the Vampire Prince of Barstow," the
correct response is NOT "Well, DUH!!".
53. You can't have your man and your hamburger too.
54. Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.
55. While good for molecular modeling, said random toys bear no
resemblance to the human body. ((See #44))
56. The speed of dark is inversely related to however fast one can
open the refrigerator door.
57. Dressing up for Bree and Michelle entails wearing socks.
58. "Epiphany" is fun to say, but too many can give you a headache...
59. Batbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbatbat. . .
60. Swarms of ants/spiders will NOT crawl through the crack around
the edge of your door and eat you in the night. (Don't worry, it's just
a poster!)
61. The "Dancing MIB's"; are right out.
62. No, we are not in a cult, no, we're not here for "some sort of secret
meeting," and of course we're hot in these outfits you dink!
63. You just can't argue with a woman who wears a hammer on her belt.
64. Always cover up the little red light.
65. Take the Bonus Round on the 110 freeway whenever possible!
66. Don't call "Little Red"; (Michelle's car) the "Little Japanese Go-Cart".
She'll hit you with a hammer. ((And you can't argue with that.))
67. People who "fold neatly" are cool.
68. If you lock your keys in your car, call Triple A. You don't _have_ to tip
the guy, but it's always smart to get on the good side of somebody who
can break into your car at will.
69. Me no drool on leg.
70. Me trip on rock fall down.
71. Gargle bitter Chardonay and die.
72. You should see my platypus.
73. Smile and nod. Just smile and nod.
74. Put the bunny back in the box.
75. It's-all-right-there man, kneel, pray!
76. If you're going to see a movie, make sure the theater has "plush seating".
77. If Todd is holding a drink, and you're thirsty, just take it, he can always
get out another one (for somebody else. . .)
78. Safety in numbers. . ."there should never be only one."
79. Don't smoke cigars just to smoke them. Smoke cigars because
they're just so much fun to gesture with.
80. Refrigerator Poetry is hours upon hours of mindless entertainment.
81. He won't eat bananas if he's tasted coconuts.
82. Always carry a tape recorder where ever you go.
83. The Brita sayz, "Refill me you rat bastards!"
84. Don't let Tall John near Glue Slugs. They have a tendency to take over
his mind. ((You think he's kidding, even *he* thinks he's kidding. . .
but I'm not so sure. . .))
85. See #58, substitute "Epiphany" with "opposable thumbs", the same
applies.
86. See #4, substitute "Disneyland"; with "the Greek Theater", Ditto.
87. There's rooms blazin' fire!
88. Size doesn't matter, at least, not when it comes to notebooks. . .
89. Bree will always want to show you her new ski hat with the Tick on it,
even if you were there when she bought it.
90. If you take a soda, leave $0.50 in the fridge. That really impresses
people.
91. If you are going to leave $0.50 in the fridge, also put a little container
type thingy in there for other people to leave money in so you don't have
quarters rattling around loose.
92. Leaving a dollar bill in the fridge for about a month doesn't seem to agree
with the materials it's made of.
93. Organizing 16-20 people to go see a movie is a @$%& logistical
nightmare. (Now try to get them to wear costumes, too!)
94. A nameless person doesn't know what pot smells like, she has never
smoked pot herself, she has _smelled_ it on 2 or 3 occasions, but she
keeps forgetting what it smells like . . .
95. Okay, there's something wrong when you're sitting at a bar, and you order
a coke, and you get carded.
96. Didn't I warn you about the projectile rhino?
97. The single most uttered phrase at the MIB table, "Okay, gimme that ten."
98. If you're gonna eat somebody's wallet, bring enough for everybody.
99. There's something odd about a place that has a men's bathroom with a
baby changing station, but not a condom machine. And a woman's
bathroom with a condom machine, but no baby changing station. ((not
that Bree and I researched all of this personally mind you.))
100. Don't talk about taking a bath with jellyfish. . . It scares your friends.
101. Glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary. . .JUST-PLAIN-WRONG!
102. No, we in the FBI do not have a sense of humor that we are aware of.
103. See #84, substitute "Glue Slug" with "Slinkys", once again, it's the same
thing.
104. If you're bored, get yourself an encyclopedia of Cthuluesque terms.
Substitute the names of the Elder Gods and their minions with the names
of people and groups of people you know. It's like Mad Libs, only better.
105. Bree is prohibited from shooting spitwads at Michelle. Not because
Michelle doesn't wish to be bathed with Bree spittle. (which she doesn't
really) But because Bree has REALLY BAD AIM and invariably pisses off
whoever is sitting at the table behind Michelle. And they appreciate
their fries being bathed in Bree spittle about as much as Michelle would.
Then you have to send Tall John over to apologize, and Michelle gets all
paranoid that the woman will spit in HER fries for revenge, and it's just a
really big mess. :) (A side note: Bree's aim has improved!)
106. We need three holes in the back of Bree's head so we can jack her into
the computer . . .
107. When you listen to Bree, Michelle, Todd, Little John, and Tall John on a
tape at high speeds, they all sound like escapees from the movie "Valley
Girl".
108. Bree will have an entourage.
109. Bree has detachable arms. Isn't that cool? She doesn't think so. (Side note:
Somebody has super glued Bree's arms so they are no longer detachible . . . bummer.)
110. If you ever get a chance to order "Inka Kola" I highly recommend you try
it . . . heh heh heh.
111. Don't make the Cthulu gesture indiscriminately in a Red Robin
Restaurant. Your wacky waiter will think you are waving at him.
112. Never be "Derth Platypus" if you can help it.
113. When you get to the point where you're writing :)'s in hand written
letters. It's time to get off the net, and out of the gene pool.
114. If your dog is asleep in the kitchen and deaf, it's not going to bark at
the burglar out back.
115. People who prey in a Glass Chapel, should not throw stones.
(Jahova! Jahova! Jahova!)
116. Don't talk to Michelle about Damn printer cartridges
117. Cigars make great graduation gifts.
118. Anything can sound sexy with the right accent
119. Get a job at a telemarketing Co. and then quit and get a job as a
receptionist. (Give your former co-workers a hard time. . .:)
120. Hand puppets are easily converted into vampires and Cthulu.
121. Kick boxing while seated in the back of a car is really hard.
122. If you hear glass smashing and "thump, thump, thump", that's us.
123. Don't unbuckle your seat belt in order to scare the driver.
124. The opposite of 2 Pentex Agents, Nature Girl, and the Straight is
a middle aged Asian man . . .
125. Cruse ships use the Airport exit.
126. "Naba", just another one of those all purpose words. . .
127. Your kids will NOT have holes in them.
128. No U-turns in Irvine!
129. If it looks like them, it probably is.
130. Bree will call *anything* a cup.
131. Butter above guns at all times, because they don't sell
"I can't believe it's not a gun".
132. Put your neck against my hand and lean all your weight
on it, I'm tired.
133. Anything can sound menacing in Spanish. (Los Banditos de la
Biblioteca! Los Churros del Diablo!)
134. Always keep five metal people in the trunk in case you don't
have a garage door opener.
135. Don't leave your leftovers on a chair at Bree's house. Nobody
will find them for 4 days and that's bad.
136. Why can't I see? Oh, there's no light.
137. Just don't read the Sweet 'n' Low Packets, they'll probably just
say something like "Hello, this is Satan".
138. Ducovnian rifts can be a good thing.
139. Don't split up the party!
140. Run from your brother/nurse.
141. It's cool to have ammo that doesn't hurt the good guys.
142. Head in punch bowl, bad.
143. If you're gonna off somebody, make sure you have a good finish line.
144. Super soakers at all times.
145. Crowbars where ever possible.
146. Beware of burning liquor store employees with guns who didn't
say "Help us";.
147. Of course it's Quentin Terantino, who else looks that much like
Satan?!? (We mean this in the nicest possible way of course.)
148. Duct tape fixes EVERYTHING.
149. Yes, they are in fact supposed to burn up.
150. Watch out for headless vampires that become giant rat things
of Satan. (Quentin Terantino)
151. DEATH BY DISCO BALL!
152. Psychos DO NOT explode upon contact with sunlight! I DON'T CARE
HOW CRAZY THAY ARE!
153. Have faith in God. Just don't trust anybody else.
154. I'm not a cab driver, I'm a tea pot.
156. Don't go to Big Kahuna Burger. . .somebody'll just end up dead.
157. Don't forget the sorbet. (sorbet!)
158. If someone gives you an "exploding popsicle", chances are it's going to
explode.
159. Grr...arg! (It's just fun to say.)
160. Having a donut peach in your lunchbox makes you the coolest kid.
161. Anything between "not-so-spicy" and "pretty-damn-spicy" tastes the
same to Bree.
162. Grrvine! (with appropriate hand motions)
163. You can lead Bree to water, but you can't make her let go of your arm.
164. Don' t you just hate it when you have to burp just as you go over a
speedbump?
165. When Michelle laughs, it sounds like she's fencing. (ha HA!)
166. If you need to go to the bank remember: the term "Banker's hours"
didn't come about for no reason.
167. Fans are good. But don't let them get to dusty.
168. If somebody offers you a drink, make sure they don't have pointy
ears before taking any.
169. Don't go there.
170. Breakfast of champs: a vitamin, antibiotics, and a coke.
171. Never let your mother out of the fruit cellar when she is
possessed by something evil.
172. When being attacked by evil trees and bushes, don't open your mouth.
173. Don't smash the mirror! It don't work that way.
174. And if you do smash it, don't swallow yourself. It's a bad thing.
175. Good or Evil, the one with the shotgun is better.
176. Rules for BattleFronds: Pick small fronds (small = not larger
than your own body), don't get caught by mall security, and look
where you're aiming cuz you can poke several people's eyes out with those
things at once!
177. We have decided that there are actually 4 places you can go when you die,
instead of only 2. good hell, bad hell, good heaven and bad heaven. We
gamers are going to good hell. well, Nels, Todd, lil John and I. I would say
Michelle is too...it's something about being a gamer I think. Both of my cats
are going to good Hell with me, although many of my friends will argue that
Neek is going to bad Hell. They are wrong.
178. You know you need to get out of the house when you start lint-rolling
the cat.
179. You know it's late when your bed starts suggesting that you go to sleep.
180. Bad dog! No biscuit!
181. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. . .Cracker, cracker, cracker!
182. Ok, what part of "I lift, you grab" didn't you understand?!?
183. Beware :E ...the horrible 3-fanged vampire!
184. Vampire teeth are good and fruity!
185. I've been sleeping with that bunny for 16 years! It's the only
reliable long-term relationship I've ever had! (outside of family,
of course)
186. If you see your cat chewing something, and you can't tell quite what
it is. . .chances are it's something they shouldn't have.
187. A Human Being's will is never so weak as when in a bookstore.
188. It's really too bad you can't just go to bed when chicken's in the
oven.
189. We were wrong apparently. . .Todd is not a girl-drink drunk.
190. Michelle doesn't have to actually be drunk to enjoy the effects
of being drunk.
191. If you're going to ditch your guests at a party at YOUR house,
they're only going to take over your bed.
192. o/~ It's my party and I'll die if I want to die if I want to die if
if I want to. You would die too if it happened to you! o/~
193. It's probably a good idea to stay safely out of character.
194. Some people should have a Surgeon General's warning.
195. The funniest thing is a sheet, three hands, and two heads, attempting
to envelop Tall John.
196. Yum yum yum yummi yum yum yum yummi yum yum yum. . . .
197. Keep "Babbling" people away from Michelle, she will NOT be amused.
198. The DIP must sit for two hours before consumption. (Otherwise it may
start to talk or become a major deity.)
199. A chair is a footrest. . .Todd is a footrest. . .Todd is a chair, QED.
200. Grass Rollers. . .new tribe.
201. *Don't* sit in the DIP.
202. There's only so many times you can draw a B.F. symbol on a guy and
have it be funny. . .but if it's Todd, it's always funny. . .
203. "Wart Licking" is a disturbing passtime. . .
204. No, Carbonara is neither an Opera nor a Discipline.
205. Tall John has a tendency to duke it out with his Black Lab, Shwartz,
for Alpha. . .although we don't really know why, the pack consists of the
two of them, the fridge, the washing machine, the blender, and a pair of
non-gender kitties. ::shrug::
206. If you're trying to tickle somebody and they don't say "Ha ha" but do
say, "Ow! My appendix!". . . you're doing something wrong.
207. "Vodka Gimlet Popcicles". . .Hmmm.
208. It's odd where you don't buy for your younger friends. . .but do buy
for their dads.
209. . . .and after a while, even the cat will decide to die.
210. "Whoopties" is a technical term.
211. Okay, let's get this straight. . .
*It's Michelle's job to hit Todd. . .
*It's Bree's job to hit Little John
*It's Everybody's job to hit Nels
*It's Nels, Todd, and Little John's job to be hit .
! - Note that nowhere does it say that Michelle or Bree are to be hit.
*If Michelle or Bree are hit, they will go on strike.
*However this does not meen that they can't hit people in their spare
time.
212. Don't mess with Little John, not only can he make Cranberry Juice
appear with the power of his mind. . .But he just might saute you in
a fine Baronese' Sauce, then quarter and mince you with a nice garnish
of lettuce.
213. If I had a hammer. . .I'd sell it for a dollar, and invest it in real
estate! All over this land!
214. Asking for a glass of water is not an effective ruse.
215. Having your face slammed into a bag of chips is a religious experience.
(Probably has something to do with the whole "Dip Deity" thing.)
216. If you look on some Rand/McNally maps, you will see the direction,
"cruizin' for a bruzin'"
217. If Bree asks, "Who hit me?", the answer is NOT, "Bree."
218. We need 3 small holes in the back of Little John's head so we can
network him with Bree.
219. Standard issue for international teen terrorists:
-knife
-lighter
-kazoo
220. No matter how bored you are. . . don't let Little John read aloud from
the New Testament.
221. Too many apples spoil the kitchen.
222. Michelle MUST lose her voice at least every other Con, so learn some
sign language.
223. TGI Friday's waitresses are not very good at charades.
224. Objects viewed through a bagel may appear smaller then they really are.
225. It's very strange to relate to people you know being other people when
you're still yourself.
226. Alligators are easily converted into gamers.
227. It's not a fire hazard if you pay $10
228. Test the printer first. . .
229. Sterilize the Maglite before you light up your face. . .
230. It's not just you. . .all Friday's restaurants ARE all EXACTLY alike. . .
231. Idiots can be creative, but they can't not be idiots.
232. Mooahahahahahahahaha! ((The laugh of an evil cow.))
233. Phelgm. There's a strange word. You can't really just SAY it,
you have to kinda..spit it out.
234. "No, I'm a boat!" is only funny at 5 A.M.
235. People who object to "harsh humor" should not be upset when
they are not mentioned by name on this list. :)
236. If you do something that you think will make a loved one happier
in the long run, take some time to think about how it will make YOU
feel in the long run before you act.
237. Pretending to be you're own brother "Bill" isn't a very good
ruse either. ((See 214))
238. Never play with something squishy that you find on a trampoline.
239. "Latent Jews" are cool people.
240. I'm a Shicksa, you're a Shicksa, she's a Shicksa. . . .
Wouldn't you like to be a Shicksa too?
241. It's not important WHY you have fruit hanging from the roof of your
shack, it's just important that you do.
242. You know you are bored when start to spell out your friends names
with staples.
243. It is not necessary to demonstrate to Bree what an unused staple
looks like
244. The thing about eyebrows is that you don't really think about them
untill they're gone.
245. The Getty is NOT a gas station!
246. Bree and Michelle have only one ladle between them.
247. Veni Vini Veggie...I came, I saw, I ate a salad
248. Yom Kippur: Killing 365 birds with one stone
249. Never open the window for a levitating vampiric sheep
250. You can't avoid your destiny. . .
But you can delay it indefenetly and HAVE A BEER!
251. All the world's a stage, the sun is a 500 watt Par Can with a Rosco #02
Basterd Amber Gell, and I'll be in my dressing room.
252. Life would suck if people really acted like they did on Saved by the Bell.
253. Michelle's alma mater is a breading ground for clones intended for use
as spare parts. . .
254. Richard Gere would make a great spokesperson. . .
255. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
256. Powers of two are cool!
257. "Sticking your hand in the microwave is "not so bad" when
compared to getting cancer!" Ahem . . .
258. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
259. And now, to expand your cultural horizons:
"So desu ne" means "Is that right" in some context or another.
"La" is arabic for "no"
"Merde" is French for "shit"
"Ceade mile failte" is Irish for "a hundred thousand welcomes"
"Bree" is Irish for "Liquor".
"Michelle" is Hebrew meaning "She who is like God."
260. Apperntly, people who should have Sergon General Warnings approve.
261. If Bree has an apple core . . . she means business baby.
262. You could take a nap in Lou Ferigno's llama fur covered
boots.
263. The one thing you don't want to tell Lou Ferigno is that the
llama fur on his boots make him look like a clydsdale.
264. Not many people know this. But monsters must be moist.
265. Most people would say that is is not wise to sit between Bree and
Michelle. But we like for people to sit between us. . .
267. Look at the bones!!!
268. Pass me the brain. . .
269. Dr. Lucky has really heavy duty crepe pans.
270. Two pounds of something and a flashbag makes a REALLY big 'splosion.
271. Bree has good Screw You're Neighbor Gift Exchange savvy.
272. If you're gonna ask for a ride home, make sure the driver knows where
you live. Otherwise people will think you're a sneaky bitch.
273. Singing X-mass trees and Makarena Monkies. . . JUST PLAIN WRONG!
274. Those really cool looking cars on superhero shows are all lemons.
275. Giving gas money is good carma . . .
276. Supervilans all drive the same white van.
277. Smelly nap place bad.
278, Long nap place good.
279. An infant is only .25 of a person for purposes of this conversation.
280. If you are a camel, hide your humps.
281. Don't let your house pets eat your totems.
282. A foot in your pants, is worth two in the bush.
283. RPGs as an outlet for not being an actress . . .
Is like a hardcore heroin addict taking an advil 'cause
they need a fix.
284. Amigos son cool.
285. Making words "hipper" can get outta hand. Case in point:
California
Kalifornia
Kalyfornia
Kalyfornya
Kalyphornya
Kalyphornyuh
286. I always had trouble distinguishing between "incinerate"
and "incarcerate" It took me the longest time to figure
out that it wasn't common practice to set criminals on fire
287. Michelle is not scared, she's just adhesive.
288. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a
fertsneet (sort of).
289. Stalker, stupidity, it makes sence.
290. Jared - non de plume = Jared is not a feather.
291. Who would YOU call if you were naked???
292. ALWAYS remember the cute guy's name!!!
293. Keep the morphine away from the bagel.
294. Just stake down your tent, trust me.
295. It is all well and good to follow your dream, but if you
can't afford Ramen, then you're screwed...
296. Don't spill your cookie in the hot tub.
297. Note on playing WarCraft: Your little guys will NEVER STAY
in a flying wedge... It's called "pathing" and it's a
feature...
298. An organization that debunks myths points out that the
chemicals used in airplane lavatories are not compatible
with a happy spider lifestyle
299. Beware the M&M of unhappyness.
300. BUTTered Transport.
314.1592653589793238462643383279502884197... = Pi x 100